Nothin'. Well, come along, darlings. Pat Cooper: My grandmother, on the stage, has an abortion! [Screaming]Nice doggy! And don't worry. Duchess: Why, Mr. O'Malley,you could have lost your life. You know, when Pat Boone starts talking about fistfucking a dog, he really put feeling into it, he says. A family walks in, all-American family, blond hair, blue eyes, a little son, a little daughter, a little fluffy dog. The family jumps. dvdsuper1. Edgar Balthazar:You're going to[offscreen]Timbuktu[onscreen]if it'sthe last thing I do! O'Malley: I'll bet they're onthat magic carpet right now. Mark Elliott: And everyone's favorite characters. Mark Elliott: The "Toy Story: Animated Storybook" and "Toy Story: The Video Game", from Disney Interactive! Amelia: Yes, that's a question. ". The kid starts spinning around in a circle cause he can't control it. Mark Elliott: The story of one extraordinary human being. You know. Edgar Balthazar: [Shoes Squeaking] If I were those mongrels, where would I find my stuff? The fun begins now on video! Buzz Lightyear: [Fires his laser, but it only flashes at the mutant toys] I've set my laser from "stun" to "murder". The Aristocats! Why, oh, why, is he allowing this to happen!" Duchess: Over here, darling. She loves us very much. Georges Hautecourt: Wha--? Don't get sore at me! That's four times twelve. Lafayette: Oh, cricket bugsdon't wear shoes, man. Andy Richter: And the man says "The Aristocrats" [long pause] and did I mention that two of the men are probably Jews? Oh, ooh, ooh! Then he rips off her underwear and he takes some of her pubes with it. Why, you won't believewhat they tried to doto your poor old Uncle Waldo! July 28, 20058:25 PM. Beau Weaver: From moviesto magical vacations. I'll be right back, y'all. Abigail,Amelia & Uncle Waldo: [ Laughing ]. Complete with incredible thrills Sargent: Alright, men. Look, Georges. Marie:[offscreen]Abraham de Lacy Giuseppe Casey! Buzz Lightyear: Hey! Toulouse,Marie, where are you? Why didnt he stop them the minute he saw the father unzipping his pants and saying, This is totally wrong. Georges Hautecourt: [ Singing ]Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ayTa-ra-ra-boom-de-ay[ Humming ]Oh. Mark Elliott: This summer, share the feeling. Napoleon: No, no. Sir? Mr. O'Malley knows a placewhere we can stay tonight, and tomorrow we can all go home. [Reading]"Prime Country Goose a la Provencal. " . Title of infamous joke without a punchline. (oc) the agent says, holy fuck, not you asshats again. Duchess:I'll never forget you,Thomas O'Malley. Someday they're all goingto be yours, you sly old fox. [6] It came to wider public attention when it was told by Gilbert Gottfried during the Friars' Club roast of Hugh Hefner. WebThe Aristocats! And then the guy goes, "The Aristocrats." Duchess: Edgar did thisto us? Duchess: Marie! Georges Hautecourt: Yes, yes! Come on. And saying, "This is totally wrong! Title of infamous joke without a punchline. Just hearing out loud descriptions of giddy sh*t-covered incest. O'Malley: Lay some skin on me,Scat Cat. That feels good,Lafayette. [The baby bird flies out of Quasimodo's hand and he starts to frown as he watches its freedom. I love 'em. Dig thesefancy wigwams. [Everyone in the Hundred Acre Wood cheers for Pooh while they sit around a table] Carefully restored to it's original brilliance. Oh, where am I? Laverne: Nobody wants to stay cooped up here forever. She will be so worriedwhen she finds us gone. (offscreen)Four. [Shrieking] What's going on?! "The Hunchback of Notre Dame". O'Malley: Trouble? Roquefort:[ Breathing Hard ]No trouble, he said. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: Oh, indeed I do. WebAristocrats Joke [OFFENSIVE] Brandon Rogers Brandon Rogers 6.23M subscribers 139K 4.1M views 7 years ago My take on the age-old Aristocrats joke. Georges Hautecourt: You haven't got an extra foot,have you, Edgar? Champagne,dancing the night away. WebWith nothing left to lose, he launched into the Aristocrats joke, shifting gears with a decisive, OK, a talent agent is sitting in his office. He goes on for nine minutes and 50 [Chuckling, Sniffing] So, what is that appetizing smell? No, it's less than that. I'll saywhen it's the end. You see, my mistress, shewill beso worried about us. I know, i know, i still need to get the cast names in there and i'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any. Duchess? Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [offscreen]Careful, Toulouse! Would you agree with that? Rita Rudner: The people are abusing each other. [Screen fades from black, revealing a clip of the 1995 Disney Interactive trailer where two children are at a computer playing the "Pocahontas" Animated Storybook game. I heard them! Mm. Milkman: Sacrebleu! Aufwiedersehen. But we've got to hurry. [offscreen]Any last words? The 2005 film The Aristocrats documented the history of the joke, which was so filthy that comedians traditionally told it backstage at clubs rather than in the spotlight. Evening, Edgar. I'll bet you're a real tigerin your neighborhood. That's better. The 100 Greatest TV Shows of All Time O'Malley: Now look, kids. You know, they make the morningradiant and light. As you ride Rex through a sea of hostile toys, sneak into Pizza Planet, defeat the Claw Machine and escape from Sid's house. It slides out of the stable as a truck pulls up]. We chased four motorcarsand a bicycle and a scooter. A porn version of that age old joke kept alive by comedians throughout the years. Coming! [ Grunting ] Okay, Laffy, you're right, it's the end. These are my children. O'Malley: Duchess, this isthe greatest cat of'em all: Scat Cat. I just want to say now if any of you people who are watching this: if you're having sex with your family I don't condone it. I ain't done nothin'. Mark Elliott: Coming this summer from Walt Disney Pictures. Thieves: [singing] Scheming up a scam, out on a limb. Berlioz:We were just practicingbiting and clawing. Thank goodness you're safe! Now, you want to grow up to be lovely,charming ladies and gentlemen. Don't mindif I do. She's a real sexy nine-year-old. This joke typically has these elementsalternative versions may change this form. Groove it, cat! What do you think? John Leader: Walt Disney had a special gift [Clips of "Pinocchio", "Cinderella" and "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" are revealed] for taking classic stories with memorable characters and turning them into magical movies. Go! Frogs: [singing] Needeep, croak, ribbit, croak, needeep. "Aladdin 2: The Return of Jafar" took you beyond imagination. It's from Carmen,isn't it? Here I come! Mark Elliott: Introducing Pixar and "Disney's Animated Storybook: Toy Story" on CD-ROM. Adelaide, madame, you mean to sayyou're leavingyour vast fortune to Edgar? [Grunting]Lafayette. He had one of the most iconic voices in hollywood, most. Toulouse: Females never fiight fair. It's warmand, mm-mm, cozy. Hmm? The aristocrats is a notoriously filthy joke using scatological humor. [Dives off the bedpost and bounces off the ball with his helmet]. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [Laughing]Now, Georges, do you must be serious. Thief #2: [singing] Pull up an easy chair! Scat Cat: That's it, cats, come on let's do this for more! Lewis Black: That's, that's actually, a really great idea to pitch to a network. Berlioz? [ Spitting ]. WebThe Aristocrats" is a taboo-defying off-color joke that has been told by numerous stand-up comedians and dates back to the vaudeville era. Oh, no. Come on. Toulouse: I'll bet we walkeda hundred miles. Ooh! Whew! Now, Marie's the caboose. You are most fortunatewe happened along. [Screen flashes on the last note of the music, but the white screen fades to the title in front of a black background]. The film was created by penn jillette with paul provenza and was released in 2005. Andy's birthday festival's been movedto today. He was like our rehearsal director when dad and my brother weren't there, and my mother and my nana weren't there. His name is O'Toole. Which pets are proneto hardly any flaws? Uncle Waldo: [Mumbling,Sighing &Hiccupping]. (Laughter) That joke's been "around." [ Humming ]Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ayTa-ra-ra-boom-de--Oops! Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:You know, Georges, if Edgarhad only known about the will,I'm sure he neverwould have left. Which pets get to sleep on velvet mats? The Aristocrats Sketch Gilbert Gottfried Aristocrats joke (2) VindictivePotato. When you lift something it better be a cock. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the aristocrats. Gilbert Gottfried: A lot of you are probably saying "Wait, wait, wait. We meanfar more to her than that. Now, please, darling, settle down,and play meyour pretty little song. Kittens! Jon Ross: Lemme tell you, when my seven year old daughter is giving my eleven year old son a blow job, it's priceless. And come to think of it, O'Malley,you're not a cat, you're a rat. It falls over, shrieking. Ready, everyone? O'Malley: Right underthat magic carpet. Next [offscreen] Lafayette,what in tarnation you trying to do!? While the son, still with his mother's shit in his mouth, goes over and licks the baby's tiny little balls. Lafayette: I'll see ya in the morning,Napoleon. It really is muchtoo heavy for you, Madame. Portions of this script are copyrighted by walt disney company and are used without permission. It's just, "Here we go folks.". Oh, sorry, my dear. [Hugo keeps spitting as Victor now comes to life]. Marie: Oh noI wouldn'ttake up much room. AND BAM! Duchess:[ Laughing ]They could hardly keep their eyes open. Now [Silent clips of "Aladdin 3" are shown, starting with Aladdin riding Magic Carpet, and Genie flying next to him as they enter Agrabah] Walt Disney Pictures invites you to a celebration. O'Malley:[offscreen]That was justa lucky break for me, baby. Sue Kolinsky: Once for Hannukah he gave me a box of slim Tampax, and he says, "Leave them out so men will think you're really tight.". [Grunting]. Mysterious Cat-napperAbducts Family of Cats." You know, this isthe low-rent district, remember? Being British, I wouldhave preferred sherry. O'Malley: [sighs] Duchess, there's something I need to ask you. Perhaps a magic carpet built for two? SMASH FLIX. Where are you? (onscreen)Please introduce yourselves to him, darlings. O'Malley:[offscreen]Look, I'mgonna need help right away. [Huffing]. Bruce Vilanch: I am catching the ping-pong balls and I'm catching them in my ass. Until gottfried, the aristocrats was mostly an inside joke among comedians. It's a motorcycle. Step on the gas, Napoleon! Why, there are a millionreasons why I should! Toulouse hisses and spits], Toulouse: [Snarling,Hissing]Meow! I almost fell. The male gamete, or sperm, and the female gamete, the egg or ovum, meet in the female's reproductive system. Roquefort:[ Panting ] Mr.O'Malley, I've heard your name. We're doing our best to make sure our content is useful, accurate and safe.If by any chance you spot an inappropriate comment while navigating through our website please use this form to let us know, and we'll take care of it shortly. Shun Gon: Shanghai, Hong Kong, egg foo young[ Laughing ]Fortune cookiealways wrongThat a hot one! Its an opportunity for the grossest part of a comics brain to go wild. The more,the merrier. But now we have tocook up a little spell. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:That's exactlywhat they are, Georges. It's just, "Here we go, "folks. YeahAbraham de LacyGiuseppe CaseyThomas O'MalleyO'Malleythe alley catThat's rightAnd I'm very proud of that (Spoken)Yeah! Oh, no! Doug Stanhope: So it's finally just a whole prolapsed rectum. Duchess:No, not at all. Love it. [Grunting]Lafayette! Amelia: Sir. In all our days,in tender ways,her love for uswas shown. Ahh! Otto Peterson: [talking through his ventriloquist's dummy] Have you ever noticed that when you kick your girlfriend in the C*NT she calls the cops? Suchan exciting day. Ooh. My complimentsto the chef. The Magic Oracle: Follow the trail of the Forty Thieves. [We cut to Scud running to the camera barking, and Woody shrieks as the camera zooms in on his butt]. Wish me luck. O'Malley:Well, now, wait a minute. Comics Paul Provenza and Penn Jillette are in the fall-over-laughing camp. Berlioz: Come on, " Rodeford." Heel, roll over, play dead! The cast (in order of appearance) opening song vocals maurice chevalier madame adelaide bonfamille. Release date I never would have guessed. [gasps] Not me! We need a man around the house. Oh, gracious! [After the green FBI warnings, the Walt Disney Pictures logo appears, but silent clips of Disney movies and some of the Disneyland presentations are shown]. O'Malley: No, no, no, baby. Georges Hautecourt:Very well. Duchess: [ Singing ]If you wantto turn me onPlay your hornDon't spare the toneAnd blow a little soulinto the tune, O'Malley: [ Singing ]Let's take itto another key, Scat Cat: [ Singing ]Modulateand wait for meI'll take a few ad-libsand pretty soon, O'Malley: [ offscreen; singing ]The other cats will all commenceCongregatin'on the fenceBeneath the alley'sonly light, Duchess: [ Singing ]Where every note isOut of sight. Although the talent agent initially brushes them off as too 'cutesy', he is eventually persuaded to allow them to show him their act. Duchess: (offscreen; chuckling)Yes. My grandfather is the jockey, comes in third and paid $2.80! Oh, it just isn't fair! Mac:[offscreen]Yup, and she goesall the way to Timbuktu. Fine. Your father is trapped within their world. Duchess: [Laughing]Why, monsieur,your name seems to coverall of Europe. What a classyneighborhood. They've got a paper route, they go to school and then you f*** 'em. Mark Elliott: Outside was a world he had only dreamed about. You're comin' on. The zygote goes through a process of becoming an. Hugo, Victor and Laverne: [singing] A guy like you! Elevators arefor old people. Thief #1: [sings] Have lots of grubs to share! O'Malley: Keep your head up, Marie! Duchess: Oh. And this time, ha,you'll never come back. [offscreen] Now stop beatin'your gums and sound the attack! Scat Cat: [ Chuckling ] Say! Boy: We drive and drive and drive some more. Roquefort: Well, yes. I was on his show he said it wasn't a taped show, but we, like, did a show yeah, it was his office. Kittens! 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Then the son lays down on the floor and opens his mouth, and the mother tears off tear-away pants, squats down over his face and starts shitting all over him. Backtrack a little. IT'S JUST, "HERE WE GO, FOLKS." Woody: Alright. It's not fair! [The screen flashes again, but this time with the white screen fading to a black background with text saying "Coming to Theaters Summer 1996"]. I remember that Ifainted. Here, kitty, kitty, kitty,kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty! Double delicious! O'Malley:Well, if you're applyingfor the job, well--. See what happens to Hitler's dick. Berlioz:[offscreen]He's sure glad to see us. the father shakes his head, no, no. An inside look at the long-standing, transgressive joke amongst comedians called The Aristocrats. I think it's wrong I've done a lot of PSA's do NOT f*** your family. And the agent says, "Well, what do you call them?" Maybe you fellon your head. Berlioz: [Yelps, Needle Scratching,Music Slows]. 7:01. Napoleon: Wha-Wha--What's goin' on? Duchess: Now, Marie, let's leaveToulouse to his painting. [ Chuckling ]. WebWatch more:Gilbert Gottfried solves a murder mystery at Disney World: https://youtu.be/URuNJvtlGT0Gilbert Gottfrieds Dead Pet Turtle: These pesky pets of mine will never come back. What's this? [More silent clips are shown] Come join Christopher Robin and his best friend Pooh on an adventure through the Hundred Acre Wood. Frou-Frou neighs. I'm tryin'to get to shore. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Yes, yes, of course,but you know what to do. Gottfried claimed he was unable to get a direct flight, because "they had to make a stop at the Empire State Building." Get those twoweb-footed life guards outta here, okay?! The Aristocats! [The movie logo appears one last time] "The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh". Lafayette: I still say it wasa little old cricket bug. O'Malley:Maybe just a short, sweetgoodbye would be easiest. Move! Say "cheese. This is the second theatrical appearance of South Park. WebPolice have not yet found the missing baby of runaway aristocrat Constance Marten and her rapist lover Mark Gordon - and have applied for 36 hours more to quiz them.. Napoleon: Wait a minute, that's funny. Lafayette: Oh, I get blamedfor everything. Oops! [Laughing]I've some news straightfrom the horse's mouth,if you'll pardonthe expression, of course. So dysfunctional, it defies description. Roquefort:Duchess! [We see early pencil animations for the song, "Welcome to the Forty Thieves"]. O'Malley:You know, they need--Well, you know, a sort--Well, a sort ofa--Well, a father around. Marie: And Marie. (onscreen)Five! Two-cylinder, chain drive. And just as he gave life to "Cinderella" and "Pinocchio". Now, come on. [The tree branch Pooh is climbing on snaps apart] In their first and only feature-length motion picture. Oh. Duchess! a one-wheeled haystack. O'Malley:Yeah. [looks under the sheet of his doodle pad] Umone minor note here. Marie: Goody. O'Malley runs and Edgar chases him. I only wish that l--. Georges Hautecourt: Am I going too fast for you, Edgar? They showaristocatic bearing. Very poetic. I'll show you a little bit later. Duchess: Well, darlings, l--I just don't know. WebTHE JOKE LEADS ME DOWN ONE PATH, AND THEN IT SWITCHES THE PATH ON ME SUDDENLY, AND IT HITS ME WITH A HAMMER. After it! Duchess: No poetry to cover the situation,Monsieur O'Malley? Edgar Balthazar: Alright: The coast is clear. It's about that big Bob Saget: I believe that's Shandling's joke. Berlioz [offscreen] I wish we were homewith Madame right now. Brian Cummings: "Billy Bunny's Animal Songs". And certainly no one can do this betterthan my faithful servant, Edgar. Aladdin: [singing] I'm eventually getting married! Funny Knock Knock Jokes To Tell Your Friends. This is not a joke, this would go on TV. Frou-Frou: Oh, Roquefort, I've beenso worried about you. Old picklepuss Edgar! Scat Cat tosses a bucket of water over Edgar's head. Edgar Balthazar: Your favorite dishprepared a very special way. Abigail: And look at his crooked smile. Duchess: Oh, no more, please. This family, mother, father, four kids. Pretty soon, all of them are completely naked including the dog, who takes his leash off.. Abigail: You really did quite wellfor a beginner. Why? That's good. Disney classic animated feature aristocats script (version 1.0) disclaimer: Which pets are blessed with the fairest forms and faces? Whoo-whoo! A family walks in to But he had a bed in it, like a couch that he called "Uncle Joe's Bed for Little People", because a couch is like a bed for little people, y'know Joe Franklin raped me. Ooh! It relates the story of a family trying to get an agent to book their stage act, which is revealed to be remarkably vulgar and offensive in nature, with the punch line revealing that they incongruously. [Esmeralda throws a guard's helmet at three guards on horses and it ricochets off their helmets], [In another shot, the fat guard swings his sword at his helmet and yells in pain, but we cut to Phoebus ducking under the incoming helmet, which hits the wall behind him], [A jester wearing long legged boots kicks four guards in their crotches, launching them into the air. Big Man O'Malleyis back in his alley. Everyone can have nightmares sometimes. Thomas is, a dear friend of ours. Hole in the left sole,it sounds like. Good. We're just a pairof sentimental old fools. I can't wait. The joke was the subject of a 2005 documentary film of the same name. Oh, no. It probes the darkest, sickest places of the comedian. Frollo: [Turns Quasimodo to him] You don't know what it's like out there. Edgar Balthazar: Whoa, Frou-Frou, whoa. [The camera zooms into the theater screen as the screen fades to black]. Carrie Fisher: My mother was a golden shower queen. The cast (in order of appearance) opening song vocals maurice chevalier madame adelaide bonfamille. 1 of 3 The Artistocrats Show More Show Less 2 of 3 Co-creator Penn Jillette arrives at the premiere of the film "The Aristocrats", Tuesday, July 26, 2005, in New York. Mark Elliott: Lead Aladdin into his biggest adventure ever. O'Malley:Well, girls, see ya around. Uh, not exactlyyour type, Duchess. Thieves: [singing] Welcome to the Forty Thieves! The joke was the subject of a 2005 documentary film of the same name. Duchess: Now, now, Thomas. He takes the tampon and throws it at the window and it sticks. Why, you'll, you'll wake upthe whole neighborhood! Berlioz: Yeah, man. I'm gonna call it The Aristocrats. Toulouse. Whew! Roquefort: Must keep still. Let's hurry. It's not exactly the Ritz,but it's peaceful and quiet. 17:03. Now don't be frightened. Will you hold on, please! If I said "magic carpet," okay? It's showtime! Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: Oh, Edgar, they're back! Marie: I'll show youif I'm a lady or not. O'Malley: [ Chuckles ]Keep your whiskers up, Toulouse Ol'Tiger. (2x)[Coughing]Hey! Billy Bunny: [sings] That is what we really do so, yow! Amelia: And don't worry about form, sir. Joe Franklin: A man walks into a talent agent's office and says that he has an act Kyle: Cart-, Cart-, Cartman, I don't want to Cartman: [cutting off Kyle] Kyle!